Off My Noodle

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Your Results May Vary

by Judy Gruen

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Most of us are hurting in this nasty economy, and we are rightly indignant at the epidemic of business chicanery that helped land us in this soup. Now we are left to wonder: How can we protect ourselves from bunco artists, flimflammers, bamboozlers, rogues, and the otherwise slippery, shifty and shameless?

One relatively easy way to protect ourselves is to pay closer attention to advertisements, because darned if those ads are not always cleverly sneaking critical information about their products and services right under our noses.

How many of us have even noticed all that itty-bitty print at the bottom of the page of so many ads? It’s easy to miss, because this fine print is so fine that you’d almost need the Hubble telescope to read it. Once you become more alert, however, you will often notice tiny asterisks (like this **** ) that are followed by a slew of warnings and caveats about the product or service being sold. These appear on everything from ads for “No surgery required!” derma-fillers for the aging face, investment funds run by former Nobel prize winners in economics, and even something as mundane fruit gift boxes.

Much as I am embarrassed to admit this, even I came dangerously close to falling for the ad for the derma-filler. (Naturally, it appeared in a magazine claiming to celebrate the lives and achievements of women over 40, but whose pages are filled with products trying to help them look younger than 30.) The ad audaciously claimed: “Finally, the first wrinkle filler to last. . . and last. . . and last. . . and last. . . ”  This ad appeared on page 32 but was jumped four times to other pages to make room for all the repetitions of the “. . . and last” promise. I became suspicious, however, when it finally dawned on me that the woman pictured in the ad looked enough to be a far more likely candidate for acne cream rather than wrinkle filler. Sure enough, when I whipped out my handy Hubble telescope, I was just able to make out the words, “Model pictured is not an actual customer. In fact, she’s not even old enough to buy liquor legally in most states.”

Reading further, I read other uncomfortable truths about the product, such as that it was not recommended for people with allergies, wheat gluten sensitivity, or a tendency toward shin splints. I ask you: how many people are reading these critical warnings? Almost nobody! This isn’t only because most people don’t have a handy Hubble telescope around the house. It’s also because the slick advertising mavens have proven through focus group tests that the photo and accompanying BIG PRINT PROMISES have intoxicated you with the notion that you could revert to an appearance as youthful as that of the smiling model. The subliminal message is: This derma-filler will give your life meaning again, just as soon as people start asking you if you and your college-aged daughter are sisters.
Having been the victim of a few hucksters myself over the years, I am determined not to get scammed again, even by the lure of a glorious-looking gift fruit box. (I neglected to notice the warning: “Not responsible for adverse reactions among people with citrus allergies.”) Therefore, as my non-allergy-inducing gift to you, I have compiled a list of some of the most common warnings in advertising too small for the human eye to read. Keep it handy. You’ll thank me later. 
* Restrictions apply.
* Not available in all states.
* These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, or anybody else, come to think of it.
* Satisfaction guaranteed, but only if you also work out for at least 45 minutes at the gym every day, including national holidays.
* Void where prohibited.
* Ring shown in photo is larger than in real life. A lot larger.
* Use of product may not induce the same degree of blissed-out happiness shown on model.
* Availability may disappear without notice.
* Offer ends in 10 minutes.
* See our web site for complete list of FDA warnings, understandable with a Ph.D. in biochemistry.
* Product recommended only in tiny servings as part of an overall healthful diet including lots of fiber.
* Prolonged use may cause allergic rhinitis.
* Your tiramisu will never look as good as ours, because we have food stylists who have made this cake look impossibly perfect.
* Results based on use by a random selection of people in the office who don’t want to lose their jobs.
* Shipping not included. Did you think it would be?
* “Stain-resistant” doesn’t mean “stain-proof.” Remember that.
And of course, my personal favorite:
Your results may vary.

Now that you are fully armed against the charlatans who still freely roam the land, just remember that famous Yiddish adage, “Caveat Emptor!”

Posted by judy @ 12:26 PM • (80) Comments