Monday, February 11, 2008

I Can't Hear You!

by Judy Gruen

(For permission to reprint in any Internet or print publication, email me at ). 

"Can you please take out the garbage?” I directed this request to my son’s back, as he was involved in catching up with some vital sports news at the computer. This indirect approach also spared me from seeing the grimace that would afflict his face once my question registered.

A few minutes later, this son was still sitting at the computer. I repeated my appeal, this time a few notches louder. Still no response. I withheld my righteous maternal anger while I boosted the decibel level of my petition to that of a hip-hop concert.

“CAN YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE PLEASE? I’VE ASKED YOU THREE TIMES!”

Finally, the teenager turned toward me and pulled off the headphones from his new MP3 player. This MP3 player was a must-have item, he had insisted, because it would enable him to download enriching music and even valuable online classes, including some focusing on lessons from the Bible.  (If I am not mistaken, this is the very same Bible that includes the 10 Commandments, one of which is “Honor Thy Father and Mother, Even When They Ask You to Take Out the Garbage.") The ear pieces on these things are so small I had not even noticed he was attached to them. 

“Sorry Mom, but these headphones have really great noise filtering systems. I didn’t hear you.”

Talk about redundant. All teenagers have built-in noise filtering systems in their heads—especially when the “noise” is any type of solicitation from parents to wash dishes, fold laundry, set the table, or do homework. These are mundane tasks that parents consider important, but probably only because the parents are so ancient that their mental acuity is beginning to suffer.

The priorities of the teenaged mind - both male and female—are far more elastic than those of the old doddering parents. In my experience, there are many reasons why teenagers cannot focus on parental requests, or even offers of conversion. These include the following:

1. The dire need to follow reports on the latest knee injury on the Lakers, with speculation on how this will affect their standing in the Pacific Division.
2. Worrying about whether the science teacher really will make good on her threat to take ten points off the quiz just because your friend asked you for a pencil and all you did was turn around and fish one out of your backpack, which was performing a random act of kindness, after all. When this worry is insufficient, a phone call lasting at least 45 minutes will be required to discuss it, along with other topics that may arise, such as the rumor that Emily really is going to let her hair grow all the way down her back and then give it away to make wigs for cancer patients, and whether Brianna and Shelly are likely to patch up their misunderstanding any time soon.
3. Fantasizing about how incredibly fun it will be to finally be able to drive your friends around without your parents in the car. This image of cruising around without anybody over the age of 25 in the passenger seat is nothing less than heady. No more being nagged to use the turn signals or turn down the music!
4. Wild and disruptive changes in hormone levels, rendering any normal conversation with parents impossible.
5. The sudden realization that you are exhausted—so exhausted, in fact, that you need to sleep for sixteen hours straight.
6. The need to review your entire wardrobe, trying on new combinations of every blouse and skirt. This will evolve into a three-hour conference with two girlfriends, whose job it will be to concur with you that these nerdy choices were probably your mom’s fault, since she had pressured you to make hasty purchasing decisions. 
7. An unexpected invitation to go play basketball, to be followed by pizza and studying for a math test. The exact time allocation for each activity to be determined.
8. Sudden onset of a massive headache, which afflicts the teen precisely at the moment the dishwasher needs emptying. The headache requires instant bed rest and incapacity for anything other than re-reading a well-thumbed John Grisham novel. 
9. A phone call reminding the teen that she promised to bring a cake for the party in school tomorrow, followed by the teen’s urgent compulsion to fulfill this responsibility with alacrity.

Of course, while my kids claimed they could not hear me even before they all had their MP3 headphones surgically attached to their ears, you’d better believe they make sure that I can hear them.

“WHAT’S FOR DINNER?” one yells.

“No need to shout,” I say calmly. “I’m not the one whose ears are stuffed with noise-filtering headphones.”

“OH, SORRY!”

I have toyed with the idea of getting even with my kids. I, too, could buy an MP3 player and walk around tuned in to someone or something far, far away. But if I did that, who would be left to pick up the phone and yell across the house, “PHONE! IT’S FOR YOU!”

(This column originally appeared in the February 2008 issue of Jewish Life magazine.)

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